Summer Book Review Montage
The Wedding
Dearest Gertrude,
Dog On It! [sic] I wish you could have
been at the wedding. It was simply wonderful!
It was a grand and beautiful
wedding like A Good American dream come true. You should have seen Brittany—she was gorgeous, just
glowing. There was almost a gasp as she
walked down the aisle; she was a perfectly tailored vision in white. Brittany
and Jeremy wrote their own vows about love, happiness, and The Importance of Being Earnest, then Kiss, Kiss, and “I now pronounce you man and wife.” Voila!
Let the party begin.
As you know it was an outdoor
wedding, right by the lake on Firefly Lane. The table
settings and decorations were stunning. I’m sure it would even hold a candle to
George Clooney’s upcoming nuptials. I’ll
let you know. I’m still waiting for the invitation. They sure are cutting it close. My niece seemed a little more organized. She
got the invitations out well in advance. Ahhh,
C’est La Vie, I guess you do the best you can.
At the reception, I was seated next to some of our German
relatives. I guess Brittany thought I
could entertain them in my long forgotten childhood tongue. I felt like a real fool. I think I said
something like "These Is My Words" and "Me Talk Pretty One Day," when
I was trying to tell them how I needed to brush up on my German. Well, they got
a good laugh out of it anyway.
Seated on the other side of me was
that awful Rebecca. You know the one—the big mouth. I dubbed her Lady at the O.K. Corral,
because she kept shooting off that mouth of hers. She always pretends to be so
prim and proper, but get one drop of alcohol into her spiteful, little system,
and step back—The Metamorphosis is unreal. She became an obnoxious
monster, a real Frankenstein. The
more she drank, the louder and nastier she got. She repeatedly referred to the
bridesmaids as The Painted Girls.
And when they lined up for the bridal bouquet toss, she said they were
like monkeys at feeding time in the Zoo. Then she went off about sweet,
old Mrs. Dalloway.
Said her Perfume was overpowering,
smelled like French Dirt and
she looked like a Mennonite in a Little Black Dress. I mentioned how beautiful her hair was since
she had it done just for the wedding. Rebecca snipped back, “Well she needed
all The Help she could get!”
I just couldn’t take it
anymore. I actually started dancing just
to get away from her. And you know how I
don’t like to dance. I did a few rounds
with My Uncle Oswald and even Puddn’head Wilson and Those Extraordinary Twins. Just when I was
getting ready to sit down again, who comes
Crashing Through the party but Lady Chatterley’s Lover! Can you believe the nerve? He was already drunk and acting like a real Moby-Dick
– if you know what I mean. A whale
of a brute in a blue leisure suit. He made quite a scene until the groomsmen
quickly showed him the The Hundred Foot Journey to
the gate. What excitement!
Well, it’s no surprise, but I’m not
as young as I used to be. Around 10pm I
was Gone Girl. I was exhausted and
just had to go home, but I hear the party went on all night into the early
hours of the morning. I hope the new
couple didn’t oversleep. They had to
leave on an 8am plane for their honeymoon.
Waldo told me Jeremy is the real adventurous type and wanted to go on a
safari in Africa. He’d already bought A Guide to the Birds of East Africa and everything. But she wasn’t having any of that--no Roughing It on the honeymoon. Forget
the tents on the Serengeti. This was supposed to be a luxurious retreat. He then
suggested going to Italy to see the Beautiful Ruins and lounge Under the Tuscan Sun but she’d already been there, done that. In
the end they compromised and planned the perfect Caribbean getaway with quick
stop at Harry Potter World first. My,
my, that will be nice. And we thought Niagara Falls was extravagant in our day!
Well, I wish them all the
best. They’re a lovely couple.
Oh Gertie, aren’t weddings
beautiful? Congratulations Brittany and
Jeremy!!
Love,
Annette
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